| Chapter 4: CAPTAIN SPHINCTER BAM! bzzzzzzt… clink vzzzut… WHAP! bzzzzzzt… KLUNK! bzzzzztvwit… The sound of meteorites hitting the spaceship’s shields were getting louder. "LOSS OF SHIELD INTEGRITY IN T-MINUS 40 SECONDS" the onboard computer warned. "Crap! Son-of-a-*grumble grumble*" muttered the pilot, not slightly under his breath. "SV Alpha I calling SVS Four Banger…come in Four Banger!!" the voice boomed from the Roger Wilco zircon communication system, "Captain Sphincter, we know you have control of the Four Banger, please respond immediately!!" "Leave me the hell alone!" the Captain snarled to himself, slamming his fist on the control panel, disabling the Roger Wilco zircon communication system. WHAP!! bzzzzzzt… BAM!! bzzzzzzt… clink vzzzut... KLUNK!! bzzzzztvwit... "LOSS OF SHIELD INTEGRITY IN T-MINUS 15 SECONDS" the onboard computer warned, "PLEASE ALTER YOUR COURSE IN ORDER TO AVOID HULL DAMAGE" "Why the hell didn’t the Intergalactic Meteorologists Organization forecast this meteor storm?" the Captain angrily thought to himself. "Stupid jerks are costing me time!" With that thought, he spun the captain’s chair around 420º, pulled out a control board, hot-wired the green and red cables, and entered a series of codes into the starboard shield generators backup computer. WHHHHOOOOOMP…SWIIIIIISSSHHHHHH "SHIELD INTEGRITY HAS STABILIZED" the onboard computer advised, "SUB-CYGRONIC ENGINES NUMBER 2 AND NUMBER 4 ARE NOW OFFLINE." "Well, that won’t get me home," the Captain murmured, "but at least I can weather this meteor storm." He spun the captain’s chair forward, grabbed the control stick and started to deftly maneuver the spaceship around the larger chucks of space rock. BEEP! BEEP! BEEEEEEEEEP! "THE IGPS CHIP HAS BEEN ACTIVATED" advised the onboard computer. "Bastards! Can’t they see I’m busy?!!" growled the Captain. With one hand on the control stick, he pulled out his small, black toolbox. Fumbling around its contents, he finally felt the override circuit generator in his fingers. He custom built the generator, but he didn’t have time to test it prior to departure. "Here’s hoping it works" he thought to himself. The Captain reached under the dashboard with his free hand and felt around for the override circuit tube, a sort of built in backdoor that he had helped design when the SVS Four Banger was built. Although he always knew the override circuit tube would one day be used for this exact purpose, he had convinced the human engineers that it was for other, less nefarious reasons (playing on the inherent mistrust that humans have for computers). Little did the engineers know at the time, but a hydrogen-enforced radial bitronic computer (H.E.R.B.) system is universally considered to be a perfect computer and would never require overriding. The Macintonian designers would be furious if they knew that human engineers had modified their cosmically patented H.E.R.B. system. Without a doubt, the Intergalactic Council would have repossessed the Four Banger from MDMI after receiving a protest petition from the Macinton planet. For this reason, the human engineers that assisted in construction of the spaceship never revealed their modification and the override circuit tube was a secret held by just a couple of Earth-bound humans and Captain Sphincter. He placed the override circuit generator in the opening of the tube, but it would not go in any further. BEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEP! "THE IGPS SYSTEM IS LOCKED ON LOCATION" the onboard computer confirmed. "Hot damn!" yelled the Captain. He knew it was only a matter of time before the local Galaxy Constables or some other Intergalactic law enforcement patrol showed up. He had to work fast. He pushed a couple of buttons and waited for a retinal scan from his HUD system. "THE AUTOMATIC-PILOT COMMAND IS CONFIRMED" advised the computer. He punched in coordinates for the auto-pilot to take him out of the meteor shower and jumped out of the captain’s chair. He bolted to his quarters, pulled out his duffel bag and opened his special Bag’o’Tricks brand carrying case. He found the tube he was looking for and hurried back to his chair. BEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEEEEEEEP! He grabbed the override circuit generator and liberally covered it with "Groove Loob" water-based moisturizing lubricating gel, a gift from Strautnaut, his friend and fellow MDMI patient. The override circuit generator slid smoothly into the override tube like greased swine at a hog-wrestling contest. BEEEEEEEEEP! BEEEE… "THE IGPS CHIP IS DE-ACTIVATED" confirmed the onboard computer. "Alright!" smiled the Captain, "Time for a quick swig of B.U.D., and we can get this show on the road." He pushed a couple of buttons and re-activated manual control of the spaceship. "MANUAL CONTROL IS CONFIRMED" He slid back in his chair, breathed a deep sigh of relief, and started to gulp down the cool, refreshing liquid of the Berdonian Unconsciousness Dilapidator (B.U.D.). All of a sudden, the ship jolted to a stop. "A tractor beam! Crap!!" he yelled. "Come out with your hands or tentacles up" commanded the voice from the Galaxy Constable Patrol vessel, "We have your vessel locked into our restraining system. Resistance is futile" "Bullshit!" screamed the Captain, "I haven’t come this far just to be a butt-buddy for some alien scumbag!!" He quickly punched in some codes and hit the hyperspace button, knowing that it could well destroy the Galaxy Constable Patrol vessel. wump – wump – wump… The engines did not engage. "HYPERSPACE HAS BEEN DISABLED" the onboard computer advised, "SUB-CYGRONIC ENGINES NUMBER 2 AND NUMBER 4 ARE OFFLINE" "Aaauuurrrghhhh!!" the Captain groaned in frustration. With that thought, he spun the captain’s chair around 420º, pulled out a control board, re-wired the green and red cables, and entered a series of codes into the starboard shield generators backup computer. "ALL ENGINES ARE STABILIZED AND ACTIVE" confirmed the onboard computer. Captain Sphincter hit the hyperspace button, and the SVS Four Banger bolted into sub-sonic hyperspace. A large explosion was recorded by the Four Banger’s rear cameras as the Galaxy Constable Patrol vessel’s tractor beam imploded. The Captain knew he was now a cosmic fugitive with an intergalactic warrant out for his capture and the bounty hunters would be swarming. But the goal was worth it, he chuckled to himself. The intoxicating effect of the B.U.D. was starting to sink in. In his mellowing state-of-mind, he entered coordinates for nearest underground spaceport so he could assess any damage to the SVS Four Banger and re-fuel. After the onboard computer confirmed the coordinates and took control of the auto-pilot, Captain Sphincter promptly passed out. |
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